I almost feel ashamed writing this, but it needed to be said.
I only sort of miss modeling. Yes, it was an amazing experience that I would never trade for anything, but every day when wake up and slowly make my way out of bed, I’m glad that it is over.
I started modeling when I was 14 years old. My mother wasn’t behind it at first, but I kept pushing her, and she reluctantly went along. Within a year, I was signed and had my first big contract by the time I was 17. Everything moved so fast that it is hard to believe it’s been 15 years.
There was this crazy excitement involved with modeling. Every day was literally an adventure of some sort. Every little thing mattered- a blemish on your cheek, a cracked nail. These are important.
While I was so caught up in looking my absolute best, life flew by. I swear it was: ‘wake up, look in the mirror, exercise, go to a shoot/chat with my agent or a go-see, eat, and sleep again’. Sometimes there were opportunities to hang out, especially if it were after a big event, but even that were work.
It was a constant cycle of looking a certain way, and being a certain thing. Now, I’m not complaining about that – I mean, not at all – but it is nice to be able to be me for a change.
As I think back on all of it, there were definitely some things I missed out on because I was too busy with my modeling career. I mean, some of that can be expected simply because I was working so much. For example, a few years ago I missed my best pal’s wedding because I was shooting overseas. But there were other things as well. For the past 10 years, my social life has been non-existent.
You’d think models would have plenty of friends, right? Man — is that a load of bullshit. Yes, there were girls I hung out with, but those girls were only interested in the same things I was – work opportunity. Having friends that truly care about you is something many of us sacrifice while modeling. I’m excited to finally be able to focus on that.
If I did it again, I’d probably spend more time building relationships outside of work, but everyone always has ideas on how to fix things – after the fact.
What I am extremely happy about though is not having to be so obsessed about my diet. At first it wasn’t that big of a deal, but when I hit 20, staying in shape became quite a challenge. My mornings were full of squats and crunches because my waist always seemed to sneak up on me. I even gave up eating breakfast and lunch to keep my weight within limits.
Now that I’m not modeling, that workout area in my loft is beginning to collects dust, and I’ve gone back to eating breakfast. However, I still find myself catching my reflection in the mirror. It can be the simplest thing- a tiny loss of definition on my butt, or the loss of my six pack abs, and I start having an anxiety attack. Whenever that happens I breath, tell myself I’m beautiful and grab a piece of fruit.
Modeling is everything it’s made out to be, but I think I’m over that now.
